I have little to none of that stuff although my attempts to fake it have left others with the impression that I'm a loud, obnoxious, over bearing person with no reservations. I really need to get the balance right on this, "faking it" thing, one day. For now, I seem to bounce between the roles of, "door mat" and "asshole" with gusto.
If I had to pin down the source of most of my problems in relating to other human beings, I would say it stems from the fact that I have always felt as though I am an unwanted, imposition and that most people are far too polite to say so.
This is not a fleeting, occasional sensation either; it's been a pervasive component of my psyche for as long as I can recall. I am always shocked to hear that someone was thinking of me. That's not hyperbole either, I am legitimately surprised each time someone tells me that I've been on their mind. I am equally shocked when someone from my past remembers me. The idea that someone I don't know very well wants to spend time with me is no less remarkable.
Not that long ago, I received a facebook invite to a, "kitchen gadget" party from someone I've casually known for a very long time. I was absolutely convinced that she had clicked on my name by accident and waited several days for her to quietly remove me from the list once she had realized what she had done. She did not and after I finally came to terms with the idea that she had intentionally included me, I was actually looking forward to going and socializing. If not for a scheduling conflict, I would have but the entire scenario left me with one thought only: "I don't understand why I was invited.".
The phone is my enemy. I don't usually call anyone because I'm worried that I'm bothering them and they'll feel trapped into speaking to me but in my defense, I don't know too many people who use the phone for talking anymore. I'm sure that some of my reluctance stems from having a compulsive talker for a mother. That woman could trap you on the phone for hours at a time, several times per day, every day of the year if you didn't learn to dodge her. I became rather expert at it and in the process, alienated most everyone from phone contact.
Text messages were and are a Godsend to me. If I don't hear back, I know where I stand and knowing is a great comfort to me. I have had misunderstandings where someone did not return my message several times in a row which led to me assuming they were not interested in my friendship so I stopped attempting to contact them. I'm not usually too choked up about these friendship losses though. I would like to think that if a person truly considers someone a friend, the relationship would not be one sided in the first place and despite the fact that I sound like I must be full of self loathing, I'm not and I feel I deserve friends who put out effort which is reasonably equal to my own.
While my, "I leave the ball in your court" approach has mostly served me well as a coping device, at 40 years of age, I'm starting to feel the pinch of not having mastered the balance between feeling comfortable and being a hot, over compensating mess. It really doesn't matter how well you can do the job if you blow the interview.
I'm about to get married and that's most likely what has been really driving this home for me. I have been trying to think of who I should send out invitations to and with the exception of close friends I've had for a long time, I keep feeling that many other people would be put off by receiving an invitation from me and I shouldn't bother them. That's probably not a sign of good, mental health, I suspect.
I'm not sure how I'm going to overcome a lifetime of being conditioned to feel as though I'm a pain, a bother, a massive, unwanted imposition but I do feel fairly confident that these efforts will be disastrously hilarious at times so I will document them as I go. In the meantime, I will continue to love and cherish the wonderful friends I have already broken these barriers with who I hope, will be laughing along with me.
Project: "Stop being a social twat" is now underway.
